Jealousy...and WOW I blogged!!

I have been ranting blogs in my head for the last 2 years, does that count??

So some of you who I am really close to know I have been struggling for the last year or so. With self-doubt, jealousy, and a lot of anger. I'm trying to do better. Man it's hard. Jealousy is ugly and probably my biggest fault, I could probably tie it to everything that I FEEL is lacking in my life.

Why do I feel fat and why am I so hard on myself for it?? There are plenty of big women who are completely happy being big... (it not being healthy is a BIG thing for me, I want to be healthy and a good example for my kids), but why can't I just love myself?

Why do I care if I THINK people think my kids are naughty?? They are my BABIES and I LOVE them more than life. Sorry they can't sit still for 5 minutes for church, movies or games... or anything really.....

Why do I worry if my kids are not as smart as other peoples kids?? They are my kids, so they may struggle with that.. HAHA. Really though, they are the most loving and sweet kids, at least to me. Zac will always tell me "momma you are so beautiful." or "oh my beautiful little Elliett I love you." seriously he is a sweet brother. Do people seriously not see that every parent views THEIR child as the best? Judging a parent who is TRYING is I think the most unfair judgment. Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done. And for me at least makes everything else near impossible to do. I just want to spend all my time with them, I don't want to clean, or go to work... I have no idea what I'm doing and I just hope that they turn out to be decent human beings who love and are happy.

Why do I care if EVERY other mother with 18 million kids has a clean house, fresh baked cookies, worked out, had time for a shower and to put on make up.

Why do I care if YOUR husband doesn't get undressed in the living room and leave his pants on the floor in there?? (hahaha)

Why do I care if YOU have money to fix the things that need to be fixed??

Why do I care if all the other kids in my family are well behaved and love their aunts and uncles. My kids  don't know their aunts and uncles, they never visited.

Why do I make myself feel like an outsider all the time? Because I assume that people judge me for everything. I'm a bad mother who yells, I'm fat (no one likes that), I'm poor and have to wear walmart clothes among my many other faults. No wonder no one wants to be my friend. I don't want to be around me either.

Why do I care if you brag about all your money and put up pictures of how skinny you are after having 50 kids.

Why do I care if everyone thinks I'm a horrible mother who  can't get her kids to listen  even for a minute?

Why do I care if I think people judge me, my husband and my kids?

By now you are thinking, why am I still reading this? I'm wondering the same thing. Why can't I just be happy? I've decided that maybe I drive people away with the way I feel, but I don't know how to change it. Sorry for anyone who read this, I hope you can find something better to do with your time now.....

this year.

I can't believe that my baby girl, is going to be one in just a couple weeks! She is fantastic and happy. We are so blessed to have her here with us. Here are a few things she is up to these days:
Pulling up on everything
Crawling like a track star
Laughing at most of the things Zac does.
She has 5 teeth! Two on bottom and 3 coming in on top. (I like to call her snaggle tooth :))
Her hair is long enough for a little pony tail on top.
She MUST be eating what ever you are eating, do not give her something else, unless its a bottle.
She has the most vibrant blue eyes.
Her hair is still red
Her smile is contagious
Her cry is SO sad, but she gives the best hugs when she is crying
She hates shoes and socks
She loves to be held and cuddled
She looks at Greg and expects him to make her laugh, she always wants to see what he is doing.
And my favorite, when Zac is feeling extra loving and gives her a hug, she actually lays her head on his shoulder and loves him back.
I just adore this little angel that has blessed all of our lives this year!

things that seriously upset me

I hate being judged by people who don't know me. And worst I hate being judged by people who THINK they know me. I AM MORMON. I don't feel discriminated against as a woman in the church, I don't feel like I am encouraged not to know the history of the church. I am not told to dislike, hate or judge gay people. In fact I know and love many. I have a sister who is no longer a member of the church, who I love as much today as I did when she was a member. I am so sick of former members writing about their experience in the church. There is a reason people stop going to church. It is usually not good. The church doesn't make any sort of claim that it's PEOPLE are perfect, not even its leaders. Feelings get hurt all the time, everyday, it happens. Sometimes intentionally and sometimes not. I like to compare it to asking a former dentist to do a root canal on you. Not just a former dentist, but one who lost his license due to malpractice. Would you do that? I hope not. So why would you trust a source that has had some sort of 'malpractice' suit to get information about, well anything. I would go to the source, someone who is active and subjective in any area, not just religion, but anything. I could ask my husband, who is very tech savvy and smart when it comes to gadgets, if I should buy an iPad. But I already know my answer, he HATES anything apple. So if I want an opinion on an iPad, guess who I am not going to ask? (sorry babe). The same goes for religion.

I guess This whole Mitt Romney running for President has made one thing clear to me, that is that it is OK to be prejudiced in this country. Not against, same sex couples, not against black/Mexican/Asians (or anyone who is different from you), not against women, not against democrats (none of which I hold any judgement towards).. the list could go on and on. BUT it is OK to be prejudiced against Mormons and conservatives, but mostly just Mormons. That is OK, we don't have the right to believe what we want, because you believe what we believe is wrong. So judgement can be cast against an entire religion, baselessly.

One of my dearest friends is not a member of this church, but she has taken every opportunity to learn about it, since she loves me. She has been told false information at almost every intersection, by people "protecting" her. But she ALWAYS calls me to see if what she was told was true. She even took the missionary discussions, not to join the church, and not to argue with the missionaries, but to learn about what I believe. This meant the world to me and I couldn't love her more. I wish that all people who cast judgement could be open to the truth, not necessarily conversion, but what the church REALLY believes.

From the time I turned 3 and started going to primary the church has taught me one very important thing and that came first from a primary song that goes like this: "Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love others will love you."

sorry about my rant, but I just get so frustrated, I hope it made sense. I love my beliefs and feel that they make me a better person, not better than others, but better than I would be without it. I thank a loving Heavenly Father for being so patient with me and my short comings... I have a LOT.