I have been ranting blogs in my head for the last 2 years, does that count??
So some of you who I am really close to know I have been struggling for the last year or so. With self-doubt, jealousy, and a lot of anger. I'm trying to do better. Man it's hard. Jealousy is ugly and probably my biggest fault, I could probably tie it to everything that I FEEL is lacking in my life.
Why do I feel fat and why am I so hard on myself for it?? There are plenty of big women who are completely happy being big... (it not being healthy is a BIG thing for me, I want to be healthy and a good example for my kids), but why can't I just love myself?
Why do I care if I THINK people think my kids are naughty?? They are my BABIES and I LOVE them more than life. Sorry they can't sit still for 5 minutes for church, movies or games... or anything really.....
Why do I worry if my kids are not as smart as other peoples kids?? They are my kids, so they may struggle with that.. HAHA. Really though, they are the most loving and sweet kids, at least to me. Zac will always tell me "momma you are so beautiful." or "oh my beautiful little Elliett I love you." seriously he is a sweet brother. Do people seriously not see that every parent views THEIR child as the best? Judging a parent who is TRYING is I think the most unfair judgment. Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done. And for me at least makes everything else near impossible to do. I just want to spend all my time with them, I don't want to clean, or go to work... I have no idea what I'm doing and I just hope that they turn out to be decent human beings who love and are happy.
Why do I care if EVERY other mother with 18 million kids has a clean house, fresh baked cookies, worked out, had time for a shower and to put on make up.
Why do I care if YOUR husband doesn't get undressed in the living room and leave his pants on the floor in there?? (hahaha)
Why do I care if YOU have money to fix the things that need to be fixed??
Why do I care if all the other kids in my family are well behaved and love their aunts and uncles. My kids don't know their aunts and uncles, they never visited.
Why do I make myself feel like an outsider all the time? Because I assume that people judge me for everything. I'm a bad mother who yells, I'm fat (no one likes that), I'm poor and have to wear walmart clothes among my many other faults. No wonder no one wants to be my friend. I don't want to be around me either.
Why do I care if you brag about all your money and put up pictures of how skinny you are after having 50 kids.
Why do I care if everyone thinks I'm a horrible mother who can't get her kids to listen even for a minute?
Why do I care if I think people judge me, my husband and my kids?
By now you are thinking, why am I still reading this? I'm wondering the same thing. Why can't I just be happy? I've decided that maybe I drive people away with the way I feel, but I don't know how to change it. Sorry for anyone who read this, I hope you can find something better to do with your time now.....
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5 comments:
Oh Krista I love you! I love how honest you always are. You are such a wonderful friend. I am right there with you on many of your comments. All my clothes come from garage sales..Nothing better than a good deal. I hope things are going well for you Wyoming. We really miss you guys. I pity the fool that doesn't run towards you and become your friend!! I feel so lucky to have you in my life.
Hi Krista! I know we haven't talked in forever but I saw your blog title change so here I am! :) I can definitely relate to a lot of these feelings. You are so right- parenting is HARD, especially with young children! I always feel guilty for not getting out of the house and doing things with my kids- it's just been super hard for me with 2 kids. I wish I didn't care what other people think, but I do too. I know it really doesn't matter- as long as my kids know they are loved that is all that really matters! That is sooo hard to remember though! Hang in there!
I struggle with Jealousy too, and thinking everyone's judging me too. I definitely believe you are more likeable than you think you are. I don't see half as many faults in you as you listed here! People will know when you're loving and geniune, and you're good at those things, so don't be afraid to get out there and make friends. You are loveable and loved, don't forget it!
I know this is an old post and commenting almost a year later is weird. maybe you're not struggling anymore, or the same as before.
you are so not alone. I recently wrote a post with similar feelings.
I wish you lived around here again. I remember how you were when you were in high school and I loved that you were so frank and clever and kind and funny. your humor tends to be my favorite, a little dry, very witty, and often over the heads of people who probably shouldn't get the joke. you're lovely!- personality and physically. (granted I haven't seen you in a very long time, but I can't imagine you look like a horror movie the way I do) I wish I looked as beautiful as you.
your kids are darling and bright. they are superior to all other kids, so are mine :)
kind of like 'my mom's better than your mom' your kids are better than my kids! and vise versa. aren't kids the most fun people in the world? I love my kids, they're my favorite people, ever. the fact that you feel the same about your children means you are the best mom in the whole world. you're doing it right.
I miss your whole family. the good old days...
Hey Krista! I randomly stumbled across this post today. The funny thing is, I think most people feel judged and I think most people aren't actually judging other people. I also feel like my kids don't listen and worry what other people think of them. I also don't clean my house, have a husband who leaves his pants laying around on the floor, and stress about parenting. Doesn't everyone? No one's life is as perfect as it seems and I *promise* that even the people who seem to have it all together are struggling with something. All the things you are feeling are so normal! It doesn't make you a unloveable person just because you struggle with feeling things you wish you didn't feel. Just remember you are a beloved daughter of God. He loves you. He will help you overcome. - Love, Karen W.
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