Jealousy...and WOW I blogged!!

I have been ranting blogs in my head for the last 2 years, does that count??

So some of you who I am really close to know I have been struggling for the last year or so. With self-doubt, jealousy, and a lot of anger. I'm trying to do better. Man it's hard. Jealousy is ugly and probably my biggest fault, I could probably tie it to everything that I FEEL is lacking in my life.

Why do I feel fat and why am I so hard on myself for it?? There are plenty of big women who are completely happy being big... (it not being healthy is a BIG thing for me, I want to be healthy and a good example for my kids), but why can't I just love myself?

Why do I care if I THINK people think my kids are naughty?? They are my BABIES and I LOVE them more than life. Sorry they can't sit still for 5 minutes for church, movies or games... or anything really.....

Why do I worry if my kids are not as smart as other peoples kids?? They are my kids, so they may struggle with that.. HAHA. Really though, they are the most loving and sweet kids, at least to me. Zac will always tell me "momma you are so beautiful." or "oh my beautiful little Elliett I love you." seriously he is a sweet brother. Do people seriously not see that every parent views THEIR child as the best? Judging a parent who is TRYING is I think the most unfair judgment. Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done. And for me at least makes everything else near impossible to do. I just want to spend all my time with them, I don't want to clean, or go to work... I have no idea what I'm doing and I just hope that they turn out to be decent human beings who love and are happy.

Why do I care if EVERY other mother with 18 million kids has a clean house, fresh baked cookies, worked out, had time for a shower and to put on make up.

Why do I care if YOUR husband doesn't get undressed in the living room and leave his pants on the floor in there?? (hahaha)

Why do I care if YOU have money to fix the things that need to be fixed??

Why do I care if all the other kids in my family are well behaved and love their aunts and uncles. My kids  don't know their aunts and uncles, they never visited.

Why do I make myself feel like an outsider all the time? Because I assume that people judge me for everything. I'm a bad mother who yells, I'm fat (no one likes that), I'm poor and have to wear walmart clothes among my many other faults. No wonder no one wants to be my friend. I don't want to be around me either.

Why do I care if you brag about all your money and put up pictures of how skinny you are after having 50 kids.

Why do I care if everyone thinks I'm a horrible mother who  can't get her kids to listen  even for a minute?

Why do I care if I think people judge me, my husband and my kids?

By now you are thinking, why am I still reading this? I'm wondering the same thing. Why can't I just be happy? I've decided that maybe I drive people away with the way I feel, but I don't know how to change it. Sorry for anyone who read this, I hope you can find something better to do with your time now.....

this year.

I can't believe that my baby girl, is going to be one in just a couple weeks! She is fantastic and happy. We are so blessed to have her here with us. Here are a few things she is up to these days:
Pulling up on everything
Crawling like a track star
Laughing at most of the things Zac does.
She has 5 teeth! Two on bottom and 3 coming in on top. (I like to call her snaggle tooth :))
Her hair is long enough for a little pony tail on top.
She MUST be eating what ever you are eating, do not give her something else, unless its a bottle.
She has the most vibrant blue eyes.
Her hair is still red
Her smile is contagious
Her cry is SO sad, but she gives the best hugs when she is crying
She hates shoes and socks
She loves to be held and cuddled
She looks at Greg and expects him to make her laugh, she always wants to see what he is doing.
And my favorite, when Zac is feeling extra loving and gives her a hug, she actually lays her head on his shoulder and loves him back.
I just adore this little angel that has blessed all of our lives this year!

things that seriously upset me

I hate being judged by people who don't know me. And worst I hate being judged by people who THINK they know me. I AM MORMON. I don't feel discriminated against as a woman in the church, I don't feel like I am encouraged not to know the history of the church. I am not told to dislike, hate or judge gay people. In fact I know and love many. I have a sister who is no longer a member of the church, who I love as much today as I did when she was a member. I am so sick of former members writing about their experience in the church. There is a reason people stop going to church. It is usually not good. The church doesn't make any sort of claim that it's PEOPLE are perfect, not even its leaders. Feelings get hurt all the time, everyday, it happens. Sometimes intentionally and sometimes not. I like to compare it to asking a former dentist to do a root canal on you. Not just a former dentist, but one who lost his license due to malpractice. Would you do that? I hope not. So why would you trust a source that has had some sort of 'malpractice' suit to get information about, well anything. I would go to the source, someone who is active and subjective in any area, not just religion, but anything. I could ask my husband, who is very tech savvy and smart when it comes to gadgets, if I should buy an iPad. But I already know my answer, he HATES anything apple. So if I want an opinion on an iPad, guess who I am not going to ask? (sorry babe). The same goes for religion.

I guess This whole Mitt Romney running for President has made one thing clear to me, that is that it is OK to be prejudiced in this country. Not against, same sex couples, not against black/Mexican/Asians (or anyone who is different from you), not against women, not against democrats (none of which I hold any judgement towards).. the list could go on and on. BUT it is OK to be prejudiced against Mormons and conservatives, but mostly just Mormons. That is OK, we don't have the right to believe what we want, because you believe what we believe is wrong. So judgement can be cast against an entire religion, baselessly.

One of my dearest friends is not a member of this church, but she has taken every opportunity to learn about it, since she loves me. She has been told false information at almost every intersection, by people "protecting" her. But she ALWAYS calls me to see if what she was told was true. She even took the missionary discussions, not to join the church, and not to argue with the missionaries, but to learn about what I believe. This meant the world to me and I couldn't love her more. I wish that all people who cast judgement could be open to the truth, not necessarily conversion, but what the church REALLY believes.

From the time I turned 3 and started going to primary the church has taught me one very important thing and that came first from a primary song that goes like this: "Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love others will love you."

sorry about my rant, but I just get so frustrated, I hope it made sense. I love my beliefs and feel that they make me a better person, not better than others, but better than I would be without it. I thank a loving Heavenly Father for being so patient with me and my short comings... I have a LOT.

deep thoughts!

I would like to start by saying I tried to upload the photos of the finished living room today and stupid blogger wouldn't let me! Now on to my deep thoughts. *disclaimer: deep to me is like an inch or two.

So on our way to church yesterday Greg and I got into a little tiff.he thought Elliett was wearing the same dress as she had the week before! IDIOT! ;) I explained that yes they were both black and white, but vastly different. Silence. Whatever. So then I got to thinking, I'm glad Greg and I agree on major things! Like how we want to raise our kids and politics and religion and pretty much every other thing you can argue about. Because I can forgive him for thinking it was the same dress and he can forgive me for buying two similar(to his untrained eye) dresses. But there are something's that can't be forgiven and cause divorce, I've seen it happen. Its sad. So for the little stupid things we argue about I am thankful. I love you Greggy. <3

my new living room!

It's done! Will post pictures tomorrow :D

whats in a name?

So for those of u who read this (Greg, haha) know i work in a call center taking calls all day. So I've decided to start documenting all the dumb names i hear all day, I'll start with these two gems:

Karate, it was a grown man

Princess, yes PRINCESS.

oh and P.S.

I am posting from my phone, so please ex use errors and stuff....

so now

I guess I have to share my thought here! Haha. :D Zachary is so funny! This morning he was standing on one of his toys and then jumped off and said "OW" I was like what happened? He said "that toy hurt my foot." " oh sorry" I said. "its not your fault mommy, its daddy's." hahahahaha! He is such a little bug, I love him :D

hello cruel world!

Haha, just kidding! Just wanted to let those of you who follow my blog and are friends with me on Facebook that I deleted my account, in hopes that I can lead a more happy and productive life. Let me tell you it has been one day and I am tourtured! LOL! A sign of a true addict. This torture is only Maki g my resolve more determined. My hola is to at least be off for a year. I really like Facebook, but it really induces a negative spirit in me. I'm jealous of others and feel unhappy with my life a lot of the time. So, there you go. If u want my email or phone # message me here. Looking forward to loving life and spending time with the living :D

decisions, decisions

So we have been trying to decide what to do with the house to make it feel more like "home", since we have been here for 3 years already! Maybe we should try to make it some place we all like to be and feel comfortable in. I am so excited to get the living room done! We got paint, crown moulding and base boards. I can't wait to see the finished product. I may post some before and after pictures, but we all know how bad I am at blogging, so I wouldn't count on it. haha

my big boy Zac!

These are from the beginning of the summer, I can't believe how much he has changed and grown! I love this little man and all his naughtiness :)

my beautiful Elle

I SERIOUSLY CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF HER CHEEKS :)

do you ever feel like you are drowning?

I do. A lot lately. Not to say I'm not happy, I just feel like things will never change. I want so much more out of life. I know I need to go back to school to be able to obtain the kind of life where I can actually do things and not worry about hearing "how much did that cost?" But, this is where the drowning comes in, I have a full time job and two kids and can't afford day care. if I go back to school, I'd have to take day classes and sacrifice the only time I have with them, not to mention the day care that we can't afford.... see where I'm going? I really wish I had family close by, some one I could trust and count on to help with the kids, that I didn't feel like I HAD to pay. I FEEL SO STUCK. like the only option is to work to continue to be broke. UUGGHH. Whatever.

on Hppier note.....Have you seen my cute baby lately?

I haven't added any pictures for a while!

OMG!!!!

This is what happens when you leave the roomto check facebook. Seriously for like 5 minutes, that is all it takes for DISTRUCTION!!!

i freaking hate blooger!!!!

for some reason after I am done with a post, it won't let me go in and edit it! What is with that and is anyone else having this problem? it actually won't even let me post from the "new post" page.... it is my computer?

What's in a name?

In English the name ElliOtt means: God on high; my God is Jehovah. From a surname derived from a medieval abbreviation of the Greek Elias. Variant of Elijah...(obviously we spelled it different, but we really liked the meaning)

In Israeli, the name Zachary means: The Lord remembers.

In Scandinavian, the name Krista mean- Christ bearer.

English form of Latin Gregorius, which was fromt he late Greek name Gregorios, derived from gregoros meaning "watchful, alert" This anem was popular among early Christians, being borne by a number od important saints including saint Gregory Thaumaturgus.... (his is too long to write the whole thing....)

So anyway when we were choosing a name for Elliett it was hard. Finding a name we both love is.... very difficult to say the least. Elliett wasn't even on the list until like a week before she was born. Greg and I LOVE the tv show SCRUBS, and there is a girl on there named Elliott. She was so funny, anyway we saw her on tv (playing another character, but her) and we were like "ELLIOTT' and we loved it. Then that really threw off our middle names! I did not want her initals to be E.A.T. (just incase), then Elliett Taylor Ashlee Fullerton just didn't sound right. This was a HUGE deleimafor me. In fact she was over 2 weeks old before she was offically named. I was sad that I felt like I had to choose between the two names. They both have special meanings to each of us. In the end I picked Taylor, because Zachary is Zachary Todd, after Greg and his dad. And both of the kids are Fullertons. So I didn't really feel like my geneology was getting through.... So leagally she is Elliett Taylor Fullerton. But I still had Greg bless her in church with Elliett Ashlee Taylor Fullerton, so legally it is less of a mouthfull and less to sign. But in the records of the church she will always be blessed Elliett Ashlee Taylor Fullerton, which I think is the most important anyway.

I love my little Elliett. And I hope we can all live up to our earthly names.

Some things I know.

Ever since I had little Elliett (March 2 @ 12:32 am), I can't get that phrase out of my head. I have so many people I owe phone calls to, but I just don't feel like I have the time (or the right frame of mind...) to do it right now. So I figured I'd do a blog and just tell everyone the story here. So here is the story of how little Elliett joined us that night:

On the 1st of March (my due date I'll add) I had what I was hoping was my last dr appointment. At the one the week before I was already dialating and about 70% effaced, so I was in the very early stages of labor. I was hoping all the activities of the week would have progressed me further. Well.... I was dissapointed to say the least. I'd be lying if I said I didn't shead a tear or two. ( I really hate being pregnant) Well at the end of my appointment they wanted to set up an appointment for the next week! THE NERVE!!!!! I left hysterical. I know lame. But I just couldn't imagine being pregnant for one more week. I drove home with my mom and Zac, on the way I felt like I needed a drink, but since I obstain from alchohol I went for a diet coke. :) It was weird when I was in Rite Aid I didn't feel anything REALLY out of the ordinary, the contractions just started coming a little stronger. My cousin Emily was meeting us at my house to do my moms hair and mine too. We got home around noon and I think Em started doing my moms hair around 1ish. At that point I knew my water had broken, but I'd thought it'd broken with Zac and it hadn't. So I decided to wait a little while and see if I was a 100%. Around 3ish I was probably like 98% sure, so I told my mom and Em and my mom wanted to leave that second. But she had color on her hair so we had to wait for that to come out. we left the house around 3:45. Once we were at the hospital and they confirmed that my water had actually broken... (weird only 15% of women actually have their water break...) I was all hooked up to the IV's and ready to go, the nurse was like what is your pain level? I said 5 or 6, she said what is you acceptable level of pain? I said 5 or 6... LOL. So she requested the epidural. by about 7:00 they kicked out mom and greg so they could administer the shot. the first area they tried wouldn't go numb and I could feel the needle going in, so they had to try twice (the IV took 3 tries... I'm still bruised....) the second time was much better. once it kicked in everything was all good, but I started getting really cold. Around 8:30 they realised my water had broken more than 7 hours earlier and they needed to supplement my amniotic fluid. That made me even more cold, I think I had about 5 or 6 blankets on and my mom was laying on my legs to keep me warm. Little Elliett is a lot like her big brother, even when she was on the inside. So it wasn't a shock that they had to do all the internal monitors to keep track of her and her little heart beat while I was in labor. Everytime I had a contraction her little heart would slow almost a stop for the whole contraction. I know on one occasion I said just get her out!!! I meant I wanted a c-section, I don't like hearing the heart stop, Zac's did that too. I was relieved when they put the monitors on her too. around eightish my contractions started getting stronger and closer together. This combined with the epidural and being freezing cold, made me very sick. I was so nasuiated and threw up several time during a few contractions. It was disgusting. ANYWAY. Somewhere in there I spiked a fever too. They didn't get me antibiotics right away, they tried to bring it down by putting ice on my already freezing cold body!!! RUDE! hahaha. When they finally gave me anitbiotice to try to bring the fever down it was probably 11pm. Anyway what this horrible story is leading up to is how Elliett ended up in the NICU. So I am a carrier of the group b-strep virius. Which is only contageious and dangerous during labor. So about 4 weeks before you deliver they test you to see if it is active, this time for me it wasn't. (It was with Z) So I wouldn't need to have antibiotics hooked up during labor. Well at my second to last visit I asked if they'd test again cause it is a very dangerous thing to pass to your child. The Dr. told they wouldn't test again unless I spiked a FEVER. That was the only thing that would bring it out and make it active...... Remember how about a minute ago I said I spiked a fever DURING labor... yeah nice. So basically they didn't get antibiotics in me soon enough to get any to my sweet little angel. After she was born everything was normal until about 8pm that night when a NICU Dr. came in and said she was very sick. UH, not something you want to hear about your 16 hour old baby. Greg had just left for a minute and I was very upset. Greg's sister Sumer called him and told him to get back to the hospital asap. When he got there I was a wreck. so he asked everyone to leave and we called our good friend Eric and asked if he could come over and assist Greg in giving little Elliett a blessing.(and my mom called my sisters and my dad and they all fasted for her. And I know there were so many prayers said in her belalf! )He was there in about 20 minutes. After the belssing I was still sad but very comforted. The dr's came and took her away. So began the crazy schedule we kept while she was in the hospital. After I was discharged, I was withher every minute I was awake. I couldn't stand being away from her! They told us they would have the results of her test in about 3 days they would know for sure what it was. When day 3 was here I got to the hospital as fast as I could and met with the dr. This is exactly what he said to me "Really it doesn't make sense and there is no medical explination for what happened here, in her first culture the group b strep grew so fast. Now her second culture, done later that night, has grown nothing."

WE ARE SO BLESSED! And we felt so loved. I am so thankful to all of my faithful friends and family who offered prayers in her name. THANK YOU we love our little Elliett!

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So, these are the things I know: Miracles happen every day, our Heavenly Father loves us all, I am so blessed to be loved by so many and every thing I have comes to me from my loving Father in Heaven.

Still on the inside!

Well due in 2 days and BG is still on the inside. Oh well. I feel like I'm over it. I can't do anything to hurry her up, she is a Peterson/Fullerton woman with a mind of her own already. Wish me luck for when she comes. Hopefully that will be soon, since I am WAY beyond uncomfortable...

3 years ago today

This morning as Greg was getting ready to leave I said to Zachary (jokingly, I'll add), who was being naughty as usual.. "It was 3 years ago today you first ruined our lives!" LOL. I'll take you back.....
The weekend had been a long one and I was feeling a LOT more tired than usual. I had gone to bed at like 8 pm that Saturday, or maybe it was Friday.... Anyway. Greg went to our friends house to hang out with them while I slept the night away. While there he said "I think she caught a bug or something" Making an excuse for how lame I am.. :D... Little did he know what KIND of bug it was. the next week I had an idea. I was tired and just feeling generally crappy, with no real symptoms. Then it came the day I was supposed to get IT (you know what I mean ;)). I went to the drug store and got a pregnancy test came home and took all 3 tests! I couldn't believe the results! We were not really planning on this right at that moment, but I guess life has other plans. So Greg was at work and I was at home, waiting. I didn't want to tell him over the phone, I wanted to tell him in person. So what did I do? I went to the store, since it was valentines day I was determined to find a creative way to tell him. at the store I bought him some of his favorite candy, all chocolate and peanut butter. The book what to expect when you are expecting, prenatal vitamins and I got an empty watch/bracelet box. (Yeah I know most of the gift was for me, LOL) I put them in a cute little v-day bag and the put the pregnancy tests in the the watch box, all 3 of them.... now it was at least noon. I still had like 4 hours till he got home. I called to see if he could come home early and he couldn't..... WAITING WAS REALLY HARD. I can't remember what else I did.... Finally it was 5:30 and he was home. I was like "DO YOU WANT YOUR V-DAY PRESENT!!??" (yeah probably that loud and excited.) So he took out the book and was like why do I want this book? Then the vitamins and he was like "if you are pregnant you better just tell me" KEEP OPENING! then he thought he was getting a nice watch and went for that box... nope! He was like, "what the! Why'd you take all 3 tests?" I said "cause I couldn't believe it." That is how all this madness started. So happy valentines days to all the lovers out there and all the ones they love! We love you baby Zachary and are so happy you are part of our lives, naughty or not :) And baby girl, we are patiently (or not) waiting your arrival and can't wait for you to join your big brother in all his naughty adventures!